Day in the life of the Sinister Mr. Extraordinary

My heart beats in two syllables
sounding out a name that takes my breath away
Love is such an old fashioned word
it feels obsolete and outdated when i think of what i feel for you

I am the pillow you rest your head on, your blanket of security that keeps you safe
i can't pretend my heart doesnt break everynite your not lying next to me, that my soul doesn't long to gaze into yours, my eyes have seen lovly paintings, veiws from atop cliffs that overlook clouds, but its everytime our eyes lock that my breath is taken from me. you are more wondorous than the stars more prolific than the butterfly, you humble sunsets and and make dreams routine. You are my world and I love you with all my heart.

I have a voice in the back of my head.
Taunting me,
belittling me,
coaxing me into using a gun to create an image.
"Your an artist" he says with a grin,
"Turn your back to the wall and cock you paintbrush.
Now close your eyes and picture something pretty.
Raise your brush a hair above your eyes and when the hammer hits
your deepest thoughts will be pictured on the wall"

I had a heart once it beat like a drum
with a rythm and a rhyme
I was so full of life
i was younger in age
but older than now
wisdom and future glowed in my bright eyes


I had a heart once but now bleeds like a wound
black and blue tattered and worn
I've grown older in age
but receeded in wisdom
bright eyes faded
to make room for bitterness

I had a heart once but now its encased in stone
i built a room for emotion
and a balcony with a view
now i watch my life as it passes me by

I think i am gonna write a book, in the form of a diary of an old man who died alone all he had was a diary that a younger man of the same nature finds and reads. it is all about the struggle of a man who couldn't change his way and the result was he died with no one close to him. he died completly alone. the young man reads this diary and connects with the author about his feelings and he becomes convinced that this is the same fate he will have unless he helps himself.

"I had an orgy last night. I was the only stranger in the room, it was akward, i walked in through the back door engulfed in ideals that would get stripped away exposing me to the harsh naked truth, i slipped past my ego like a trojan horse and into the freedom of my mind i felt the touch of warmth rush through my body the softness of being close to others. i took a look around the room and realized i was indeed the only stranger in my house, i excorcised the demons that plaugue my very exisistence, and took back what was rightfully mine, my own piece of mind.

intoxicated by the new sensations that ran through my body, i fought my way through the walls i had built to keep others from coming in, poisoned by years of self induced tragedy i saw what it was to be free. to not think, but to know. to answer in sync the question at hand.i looked up and saw down i look down and up, i looked straight and saw whatever i wished. i made a mistake tho.

I looked back.

I tried to turn and get on track but it was too late. i was staring a monster right in the eyes, i heard the bricks being cemeted back in to place, i felt the warmth leave my finger tips, the demons came out from hiding and mockingly screeched "you can't be rid of us, we are you"

fueled with the last bit of humanity i had in me i looked the evilest one in the face and told him, "leave now i built this misery."

I felt the surge of passion race through my veins. Was this it? was this what i was looking for?

I stood alone with my hand on the wall trapped on the inside, a prisoner of my own free will.
my ego stood guard while my demons played tricks. i felt alive for a moment, the rush of life but it was taken away my orgy of the senses died and I was what i always was the monster who built the cage."

Current Mood: creative

when darkness engulfs your mind
with a bleak but blatent silence
look off to the distance
past the shadow, think of me
the candle that burns like the sun
I'll be your star in the night sky
I don't grant wishes, i won't guide you
but reach for me, i'll meet you half way
in the perils of oblivion
i'll light our world, you stay perfect
we'll make a new heaven
with only whispers of the world left behind
think of me, I'll dispense serenity
when we get older, well into our 80's
i'll tell you a secret, peace for me
was found when i put my face into your shoulder.

Current Mood: exanimate
Current Music: apollo sunshine

I am at work it's like 1:45 am and i was surfin the web and i came across a website that was an existential question forum, and people posted responses.

the question posed was when was the first time you questioned faith?
and someone i don't know posted a respone and it went a lil something like this.

Faith implies a relationship, so the key to the question of faith is: what do you have faith
in? God, yourself, justice, laws? Does the nature of faith change in regards to its object?
Are their varying levels of faith, or is all faith so absurd it requires no analysis? This
begs the question, is faith really absurd? For example, when I drop a pen, do I have faith
that it will fall? Am I putting my faith in the pen, myself, or the laws of physics?
Certainly not the pen, for it cannot decide whether or not it wants to fall. Nor do I put
faith in myself because it is out of my hands once I release the pen. Therefore, I must put
my faith in the laws of physics, or, more specifically, gravity. Why, therefore, do I have
faith that gravity will exert control over the pen that I drop, and make it fall to the floor? Past experience. Every time I have ever dropped anything it has fallen (with the exception of helium balloons) and I expect this outcome every time. But I must concede that it is possible for the pen to hover around or disappear or do something other than fall, because I can imagine it so. Imagination allows me to abstract principles and create hypothetical situations. Even so, it is possible that when dropped, the pen will float, but it probably won't. What makes one certain then? How can we be certain about anything if we can't even be sure that gravity will function? Maybe reason tells us that the pen will fall. If reason is able to discern cause and effect relationships then where does that leave faith? We defined faith as the response to a condition of the absurd. It is absurd then that the pen will not fall when I drop it, so in response to this condition, I have faith that it will fall. Is faith what we mean when we say "probably?" It sees as if there is some overlapping of faith and
reason though, that we must explore.
Recently, I have begun to understand the faith as it relates to myself and the actions
that I choose to undertake. I have come to the conclusion that my thoughts and desires can
manifest themselves in the physical realm. If I feel a certain way or visualize a set of
circumstances or set goals for myself, and then take the necessary steps towards their
fulfillment, my dreams will become a reality. On a more metaphysical level, "like energy
attracts like energy" or "what goes around comes around" or "life is what you put into it",
meaning that goodness is reciprocal, and if I follow my intuition on right and wrong, I will
benefit. It is similar to moral philosophy, in that thoughts create your reality. I realize
that when I act a certain way and do certain things my life will follow the path that I
command it. This very idea opens up limitless possibilities and negates the concept of
being a victim. I believe that God has set down these principles or natural laws, which
govern the universe. I have faith in not only these laws, but in myself, in that my thoughts,
emotions, and deeds dictate my circumstances. I feel that life is a form of development,
a process of creation, in which we are in total control. Where you put your faith illustrates
how much control you have. In this case, faith is not irrational, because it is a process.
Having faith, that by having faith, you will succeed is ridiculous. Faith doesn't get you
anywhere, you get yourself there. Faith is just a feeling you get based on past experiences.
Therefore faith is the same as reason.

and of course that date is from 1998 and before i even looked at the date i read it and felt compelled to respond and this what i wrote back:

i know its a really old topic but hey just consider me a little new. if anyone reads this i hope for a response. i don't consider my se;f an existentialist by any means in fact i am not sure what to call myself i am just well versed in the art perspective, and this is mine.

faith has nothing to do with a pen falling, or with the laws of physics. the pen will always fall due to the law of physics its not a question of faith. Your imaginaion can tell you the pen will shoot for the moon when you release but the fact still remains it is going no where but down. You can't have faith in a proven undisputable fact. "faith is blind" having faith means you believe in something untangible, something so absurd it makes you question life itself. a pen falling because of gravity unless your new to the whole gravity thing isn't so mind shattering, no one questions it it's explainable to a degree. that degree would be why is there gravity? because of the earths rotation on its axis. what makes the earth rotate? its orbit. whats makes it orbit? the suns gravitational pull. what is the sun? a big ball of gas. where did the gas come from? the galaxy whats the galaxy? where did it come from? thats where the faith part comes in. its unknown exactly who or what made the stars, a supreme deity maybe or simply a big bang. but whatever you believe in takes faith. who knows maybe there is a God or maybe our whole lives are one coincident, b/c the big bang theory seems like in the whole infintie reaches of space it was pure coincidental that earth was formed as the third planet from the sun just in the right spot to be able maintain a livable enviroment, i mean it could be fate that brought it all together at the right time and the right place, but for fate to happen that would mean we are all on a predertermind path* that we can't change and for that to be true it means that a supreme being has control over us all over the whole universe than. which goes back to the whole God thing. Faith is believing in something unproven thats not a sure thing. Therefore faith is without reason.


*we are all in a sense on a predetermined path we are all gonna die someday, but again it takes faith to have a belief in the after life or the next life or whatever happens after death b/c it is an unknown.

NOTE:I am not trying to prove you wrong in any sense, this is not an attack on your beliefs it is just another point of view, hell for all i know mankind may be from an alien race marooned here on the most desolate areas to slowly die out but somehow we learned to survive our enviroment. or maybe much like our own bodies, all the animals and wildlife the plants the ocean everything are the cells that make up mother earth and we are the abnormality in growth the cancer that will slowly deteroate the planet. hey why can't that be possible?

any way opinions are wanted. post mad responses ask mad questions, DON'T EVER STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. once you start taking things with out questions your already dead.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: the shins

I can't stand this anymore.
when you scratch away the layers
there's nothing there and I don't give a fuck
you can't hurt me anymore
chop off my arm there's a hole in my heart
and I don't give a fuck

Everyone I love. Everyone I trust
Whats gonna happen to all of us?

Seems like I've done something wrong
well let the punishment come, hide the sun
I don't give a fuck
scratching my nuts right at God
on second theres no one there
and I don't give a fuck
chop off my arm theres a hole in my heart
and I don't give a fuck

What's this world without pain?
It aint a goddam thing, just a rock floating
through the universe.

The worlds a shitty place and I can't wait to die

Current Mood: peaceful

Wear my badge
a vinyl sticker with big block letters
adhering to my chest
tells your new friends
"I am a visitor here, I am not permanent"

It seems so out of context
in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with a door key
explaining that I'm just visiting
I am finally seeing
That i am the one worth leaving.

Current Mood: indifferent

I don't feel home anymore. i do't feel alive, i don't feel anything.
i am growing content within te walls of my broken down kingdom
is it everyones fault but mine?
or i did this to myself, whatever the case may be i am not complaining, i don't feel happy but i don't feel sad or depressed i just don't feel.

Sooo umm NJ this weekend, if only for a night, i don't care its right were i want to be.
Some people call me the space cowboy...
Have you ever had something that you knew was meant to happen, but it didn't and then it shatters in front of your eyes and you think "What the fuck is the point?" and you say the hell with it and
give up trying to make something more out of something you know shouldn't be.
Some people call me the Gangster of Love...
We are all cancer. we plaugue eachother and living life is the slow suicide. all the things we accomplish all the money in the world couldn't save you from dying. the span of a lifetime from birth to death is a series of akward situations and comprimised feelings. no one ever gets what they want we all want more, ever consuming diseases sent to destroy one another and to help ease the passing of every day, every second, every heartbeat we can never have back they gives us reasons, reasons to wake up to get a job, to dress fancy and have nice cars. they try and give us a reason to live. but no one is worth it. best friends fade love can never last forever, and a lifetime is a grain of sand on an infinite beach

.fuck.it.
.fuck.you.
.fuck.off.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: oasis

so another weekend of crazy fun. i wonder when these days will end when life finally makes me grow old and a weekend like this wasn't a usual thing i don't feel much like typing about it, just feel like sitting here and wondering about becoming an adult. all the good times will end and it will work to live and that shit sucks.

I never ever saw the Northern Lights
Never really heard of Cluster Flies
Never ever saw the stars so bright
In the farmhouse things will be alright

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: phish

"...If my Machiene got this, Take the message, Don't leave a message..."


So I lost my title as inhuman this weekend, I got the spins and threw up. but I went down like a champ, it took a lotta Beer and shotties that would kill cheech and chong to take me out. although i didn't reallly get taking out, i loved every second of the room spinning it was the ultimate trip a worthwhile expirience, but of course the spins always means your gonna puke, i am ok with it tho, every great empire must fall some day Rome, Persia, And Andrew Donohue, although partially damaging my street cred. i can bet all my marbles next time...well there won't be a next time, NJ saw a once in a lifetime event I am never gonna puke again. I just gotta get up dust my self off, or in this case wash my hoodie, and get back in line for another round.

what else can i talk about?

hehehe i went to pathmark after work on thanksgiving and i ran into Erin Williamson. and just to be a little dick when we gave the Hello Hug I held it for longer than your supposed to it was a creepy hug that you just don't give to your best friends girlfriend but i did cuz i am an asshole. if you don't know what the creepy hug is, its when you give a hug that lasts a couple extra seconds, like when you hug somebody its systematic to release after a heart beat or two and you don't have time to think about anything during the hug its somewhere between "Hello" and the first sentance you let go. The Creepy hug is you say the "Hello" and you give the normal Hug save for the letting go before you say the first sentance part, you hold it in silence and you know its getting creepy when you can feel there embrace start to pull back like "This is enough" but yours is still holding firm and then you say your first sentence and half waythrough it you let go. i like to add flava to it after that, never break eye contact with the person and stand closer than you should given the space, then in a farewell you put a hand on the shoulder look him/her in the eyes and say your goodbye, or the ultimate freak out you give them another hug and say the goodbyes during the hug when your mouth is closet to their ears. but what can seriously put it over the top, the hug back rub. when hugging move your hand up and down there back between the shoulder blades. now i can't stand that so i tend not to do it to other people. but hey knock yourself out.

in other news, oh hell there is no other news.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: straylight run

Holiday

Holiday

Its the best day

An Ice Cream day

I am only Happy

when I have
Holiday

You can't help me, God can't help me.
Do i blame this on my father dying
yes and no
no b/c you can't choose when you die, and yes b/c no one ever compared me to him until after he died. i always thought my dad was the best he could do anything, and to hear people say "when i look at you i see your father" makes me panic how can i ever live up to that? the bar is set high enough with my older brother the golden child, now i have to reach my father? i can't do it. i can't he was always the smartest person in the room, i swear he knew everything about everything he was strong in his faith he could probly fly i dunno, it wouldn't surprise me. then to hear "i see him when i look at you" its like i have a mountain in front of me and i am the only one who knows i can't climb it. i try and try and find the vally sinking under my feet and the top of the mountain gets further and further away.

he never once told me "i love you" he never came to watch me play my music, but he made every hockey game for matt and mike, he told my mom to say "tell Andrew I love him and i was always proud of him" then he died, i mean i want to beleive he actually said that but i don't know my mom might have just said it to make me feel like he cared. but i guess i'll never really know. if he never once said it or even made me feel like he cared how do i know she isn't making it up. i wasn't there. i told him i would see him in a week and then left and he died that was it see you in a week no dad i love you nothing just i'll be home in a week. i hate myself for that.

i can't even go to church b/c every where i look its him and i can't sleep sometimes cuz i know he won't be there when i wake up and i hide it well but every second of everyday i wish he was here to yell at me about something. i want to come home in the morning from work and see him sitting in his chair reading the post, i want him to take me to home depot and buy shit for the basement. i want to find out i smoke cigarettes and not tell mom just say "quit or i'll kill you" i want him to make me feel like a 9 year old again i would do anything to impress him, i played hockey even tho i hated it just so i could spend time with him like i mattered, when we won and i was the goalie he would never say i played a great game he never sugar coated it, he always said what i did wrong and make me work that much harder in practice. i hated it so much but it mademe feel like he cared about what i did. i quit to play music and he never supported that, at least not to me. he called it noise.then i played football and i noticed how he would drive out to every game to watch me with a gatorade for after the game cuz he knew the scum bags on the bench would drink it if he gave it to me before the game. but he never said " i love you andrew" i never thought he cared about a single thing i did. but then i didn't cry when i was told is going to die not until my mom said "dad told me tell you; I love you and i am proud of you" then it was hit me. that would have been the last thing he told me. he brought matt in the room then mike but i wasn't there and that was all i ever wanted to hear from him.

i can't live up to him. but i feel like i have too and that scares the hell out of me.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Phil Collins

We are all dying, its just a matter of time, with every breath it draws closer with ever action every thought every decision made-from what socks to wear to where your gonna be in ten years it doesn't matter, all any one can do is not drag their feet when they leave the door if your going go, don't ever look back, in the end when your story is over and the final credits roll, like in real life movies, everyone will walk out that door and in a month you will be a memory another card with Mary opened armed with a halo and the lords prayer on the back. what about the time we are given? we are not given any time, all our dreams can never be realized in the space from life to death. the point of living is dying its something we can't escape or avoid, we can't put it off till later, we can't call in sick to our meeting with death. we live to die thats all there is to it

Current Mood: cynical

Fuck love fuck life fuck emotions fuck you and you too.
you think you know someone and then they change
not even for the better they go back to their old patterns
and it kills a peice of you everyday to know a crush is worth more than a friendship
hi my name is _____________ and i fuck people to get them to like me
put your name there if it fits every girlfriend/boyfriend you ever had then i am talking about you
you have no self esteem, and in two months you'll be fresh out of people who really care about you
in two months you'll suck a dick for a friend, and fuck anyone that seems interested in you
hi my name is _____________ and i fuck people to get them to like me
so keep on fuckin and sucking cuz i am done being your only real friend

I dunno. sometimes i think i am meant to be alone. no matter what i do or what i say to anyone i end up feeling like shit and i hate myself for being so dam not.

not anything special.
not being the best looking guy around.
not being able to control things.
not being my best friend
not being able to be more than a friend.


sometimes i wish i had never been born. sometimes i wish i could stop caring. sometimes i wish i was anyone other than me. and it sounds so cliche and shit but i hate everything about myself. i hate that i care. i hate that i sleep in pain. i hate that i am soo dam forgiving. i hate that i can't let my real feelings show i hate everything and everyone and i truly don't care

make it right make it ok

The world falls apart in just seven days

It sinks to the bottom, in Oceans of rains

The cure is so clear, the blood is astray

 everyone Dies except for the rain

and I think that I am starting to scare myself

soo i missed the rooftop party. I suck. nuff said. but other than that shit been goin i guess i can't complain too much

work eats dick, school eats even more dick. on the plus side this weekend has potential

this past weekend was pritty cool i suppose, got realllly and i mean reallly f*ed up it was good good shit tho.

I hate myself and want you to die

Action Action is good shit.

sometimes I want to put on a pair of sunglasses walk down to a park and sit like a creepy wierd guy and watch children in a way that there parents ask me to leave. is that wrong? no i am not a sicko child lover, i know thats wrong. i am talking about having urges to just fuck with peoples mind. sometimes i say things out loud i forget where i am and what i am doing, and the wierd part i just don't  give a shit. I was somewhere and i was walking thru a doorway the same time this dorky looking redheaded freckle faced high school kid was commin through and i said "go get'em freckles" then laughed right in his face, why do i do these things? I guess we all have our moments, i will never forget William Shaw yelling into a bullhorn to a guy his wife and kid "hey your kid is ugly" that dude was pissed. it was funny.

I've been having this dream latly. it started friday night i think. i was fucked up at the time so i didn't think of it, but then it happened saterday night and  my sunday pre work nap had flashes of it. weird but wait until you here what it is about if anyone can tell me what it might mean tell me. i would like to know.

so it goes like this, I am on my death bed, not old but as i am right now. I have some kinda super flu virus or something and i am not reacting well to the virus. I am on my death bed. it looks like the hosptial room my dad was in in fact exactly the same just with me in the bed and i am sleeping. I wake up suddenly in a cold sweat, like in a panic runs through me, i look around it is dark like prison. i called the nurse but she didn't come not when i wanted here, i felt almost alone.almost as in it felt like a thousand moving people were in the darkness and there eyes all on me i just couldn't see them. i went to scream but no sound came out. i looked around the room in a panic as i knew there was something in the darkness stalking me. the nurse came in and brought in with her my pastor. Pastor Steve.he came in without a bible and sat next to me. he started talking about life after death heaven and hell i watched but i couldn't hear him. but still i understood everthing he was saying. and he came to a question he said "well andrew knowing you are gonna die,is there anything u want to Ask God for? i shook my head and said "there is no God"  He went into how Gods forgivness is how i can get to heaven so when i die i can see my father in the afterlife. I sat straight up in my bed and said "I am gonna see him no matter what, God the devil or any other crutch you people lean on for salvation will not stand in my way. I am my own Salvation not something that exsists in a book or in the heads of many, I can save myself." do you fear dying was his next question. i looked him in the eye weak and frail and said "no, hell doesn't scare me. God doesn't strike fear into my heart. I welcome death with open arms, it will bring me to a place i have never been before, i can see things unimanginable, why should i fear what is envitable? it is what must be." i rolled over and for second it felt like i understood forever, how one mans lifetime is soo insignifigant and short compared to an eternity. 80 years to just die off. 80 years is just an eyeblink 80 years a grain of sand in the desert all of this in one second of clarity i felt free and never more alive. to us 19 is young to forever it was like i never exsisted, i was a thought not an action. and i knew it was time, i rolled back to him and said "i am just kid in the eyes of many, in a week a thought to some, at the end of your 80 years you will not even remember my name." the lights went out and i felt myself let go.

am i just that fucked up i have dreams like this?

well I am gonna go to sleep cuz i got to work tonight and that shit sucks.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: ACtion Action

I am dying i think
the lack of sleep is finally catching up to me and i hate it
it wouldn't be soo bad if i got to sleep all day sat.
but noooooo some girl from virginia had to wake me up to hang out <3
that was the best part about the weekend

friday night there was a lame ass party, we went for a lil then met up with will shaw and some kids drank some beers at blue ridge hid from security, it was fun non the less. Aug and K-man visited from jersey. Stigs got the best cousins ever, in fact I am jelous of how cool his family is in all. except sean. he is a dooche bag.

so we chilled or whatever until the weee hours of the morning then i finally got to bed at say 5 am, it was the first i had slept since thursday night 11 pm. all right stupid me i suppose but then i knew my phone was gonna ring but i still wasn't readdy for it.

sat. gabrielle calls me at 11 am. of course she says "i'll call back at 12" i went right back to sleep the phone rang in an hour i told her i was gonna shower then pick her up from tamaras house. and i did. we went to the park and played on the swings talked about foot diseases and her life in the city, my phone wass ringing off the hook, cuz i am soo dam cool. we met up with stig aug and my lil brother mike to go to country fair. country fair is expensive so we went to castle golf to ride go-karts. it was fun except i didn't get to hit gabrielle with my kart, but next time she is going down. after some good old kart fun we went back to my house where she met my mother, which if anyone has ever met my mother is an expirience in and of itself. she made me rake the leaves on the front lawn. after some pathetic attemps ms. know it all from virginia showd me how to rake. i was gratful otherwise i was just wasting time. so i finished we came inside chit chatted for a minute i took her to the train station in patchogue we waited for like an hour until the train came, and talked about the sickist ways to kill eachother, it was cute <3. of course her ways would have hurt a lot more then mine but i let her win. cuz she is girl. and she gets cold which isn't tough at all. but i forgive her i guess.

then sat night involved a trip to the beach with a cooler of beers stigs vomit, brutons vomit, aug and mine freestyles luffs story and lean on me as done by a drunk will and aug. it was a good night to end the best day ever.

sunday i woke up cuz i couldn't sleep then i went to the movies and watched peyton manning throw for 243 yards in the first quater against the green bay packers then i passed out until work, which brings me here and now missing ashlee, wanting to get on a train to visit gabrielle, looking forward to the weekend cuz me and stig only see eachother on them and not looking forward to the rest of the day.


well who knows this coming weekend has word of a rooftop party, i am stoked about that maybe will shaw for more then a few hours is in order. but def. sleep is the way to go right now.


<3 Gab for thinking i am cool and hanging out with me

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: the cure