Day in the life of the Sinister Mr. Extraordinary

My heart beats in two syllables
sounding out a name that takes my breath away
Love is such an old fashioned word
it feels obsolete and outdated when i think of what i feel for you

I am the pillow you rest your head on, your blanket of security that keeps you safe
i can't pretend my heart doesnt break everynite your not lying next to me, that my soul doesn't long to gaze into yours, my eyes have seen lovly paintings, veiws from atop cliffs that overlook clouds, but its everytime our eyes lock that my breath is taken from me. you are more wondorous than the stars more prolific than the butterfly, you humble sunsets and and make dreams routine. You are my world and I love you with all my heart.

I have a voice in the back of my head.
Taunting me,
belittling me,
coaxing me into using a gun to create an image.
"Your an artist" he says with a grin,
"Turn your back to the wall and cock you paintbrush.
Now close your eyes and picture something pretty.
Raise your brush a hair above your eyes and when the hammer hits
your deepest thoughts will be pictured on the wall"

I had a heart once it beat like a drum
with a rythm and a rhyme
I was so full of life
i was younger in age
but older than now
wisdom and future glowed in my bright eyes


I had a heart once but now bleeds like a wound
black and blue tattered and worn
I've grown older in age
but receeded in wisdom
bright eyes faded
to make room for bitterness

I had a heart once but now its encased in stone
i built a room for emotion
and a balcony with a view
now i watch my life as it passes me by

I think i am gonna write a book, in the form of a diary of an old man who died alone all he had was a diary that a younger man of the same nature finds and reads. it is all about the struggle of a man who couldn't change his way and the result was he died with no one close to him. he died completly alone. the young man reads this diary and connects with the author about his feelings and he becomes convinced that this is the same fate he will have unless he helps himself.

"I had an orgy last night. I was the only stranger in the room, it was akward, i walked in through the back door engulfed in ideals that would get stripped away exposing me to the harsh naked truth, i slipped past my ego like a trojan horse and into the freedom of my mind i felt the touch of warmth rush through my body the softness of being close to others. i took a look around the room and realized i was indeed the only stranger in my house, i excorcised the demons that plaugue my very exisistence, and took back what was rightfully mine, my own piece of mind.

intoxicated by the new sensations that ran through my body, i fought my way through the walls i had built to keep others from coming in, poisoned by years of self induced tragedy i saw what it was to be free. to not think, but to know. to answer in sync the question at hand.i looked up and saw down i look down and up, i looked straight and saw whatever i wished. i made a mistake tho.

I looked back.

I tried to turn and get on track but it was too late. i was staring a monster right in the eyes, i heard the bricks being cemeted back in to place, i felt the warmth leave my finger tips, the demons came out from hiding and mockingly screeched "you can't be rid of us, we are you"

fueled with the last bit of humanity i had in me i looked the evilest one in the face and told him, "leave now i built this misery."

I felt the surge of passion race through my veins. Was this it? was this what i was looking for?

I stood alone with my hand on the wall trapped on the inside, a prisoner of my own free will.
my ego stood guard while my demons played tricks. i felt alive for a moment, the rush of life but it was taken away my orgy of the senses died and I was what i always was the monster who built the cage."

Current Mood: creative

when darkness engulfs your mind
with a bleak but blatent silence
look off to the distance
past the shadow, think of me
the candle that burns like the sun
I'll be your star in the night sky
I don't grant wishes, i won't guide you
but reach for me, i'll meet you half way
in the perils of oblivion
i'll light our world, you stay perfect
we'll make a new heaven
with only whispers of the world left behind
think of me, I'll dispense serenity
when we get older, well into our 80's
i'll tell you a secret, peace for me
was found when i put my face into your shoulder.

Current Mood: exanimate
Current Music: apollo sunshine

I am at work it's like 1:45 am and i was surfin the web and i came across a website that was an existential question forum, and people posted responses.

the question posed was when was the first time you questioned faith?
and someone i don't know posted a respone and it went a lil something like this.

Faith implies a relationship, so the key to the question of faith is: what do you have faith
in? God, yourself, justice, laws? Does the nature of faith change in regards to its object?
Are their varying levels of faith, or is all faith so absurd it requires no analysis? This
begs the question, is faith really absurd? For example, when I drop a pen, do I have faith
that it will fall? Am I putting my faith in the pen, myself, or the laws of physics?
Certainly not the pen, for it cannot decide whether or not it wants to fall. Nor do I put
faith in myself because it is out of my hands once I release the pen. Therefore, I must put
my faith in the laws of physics, or, more specifically, gravity. Why, therefore, do I have
faith that gravity will exert control over the pen that I drop, and make it fall to the floor? Past experience. Every time I have ever dropped anything it has fallen (with the exception of helium balloons) and I expect this outcome every time. But I must concede that it is possible for the pen to hover around or disappear or do something other than fall, because I can imagine it so. Imagination allows me to abstract principles and create hypothetical situations. Even so, it is possible that when dropped, the pen will float, but it probably won't. What makes one certain then? How can we be certain about anything if we can't even be sure that gravity will function? Maybe reason tells us that the pen will fall. If reason is able to discern cause and effect relationships then where does that leave faith? We defined faith as the response to a condition of the absurd. It is absurd then that the pen will not fall when I drop it, so in response to this condition, I have faith that it will fall. Is faith what we mean when we say "probably?" It sees as if there is some overlapping of faith and
reason though, that we must explore.
Recently, I have begun to understand the faith as it relates to myself and the actions
that I choose to undertake. I have come to the conclusion that my thoughts and desires can
manifest themselves in the physical realm. If I feel a certain way or visualize a set of
circumstances or set goals for myself, and then take the necessary steps towards their
fulfillment, my dreams will become a reality. On a more metaphysical level, "like energy
attracts like energy" or "what goes around comes around" or "life is what you put into it",
meaning that goodness is reciprocal, and if I follow my intuition on right and wrong, I will
benefit. It is similar to moral philosophy, in that thoughts create your reality. I realize
that when I act a certain way and do certain things my life will follow the path that I
command it. This very idea opens up limitless possibilities and negates the concept of
being a victim. I believe that God has set down these principles or natural laws, which
govern the universe. I have faith in not only these laws, but in myself, in that my thoughts,
emotions, and deeds dictate my circumstances. I feel that life is a form of development,
a process of creation, in which we are in total control. Where you put your faith illustrates
how much control you have. In this case, faith is not irrational, because it is a process.
Having faith, that by having faith, you will succeed is ridiculous. Faith doesn't get you
anywhere, you get yourself there. Faith is just a feeling you get based on past experiences.
Therefore faith is the same as reason.

and of course that date is from 1998 and before i even looked at the date i read it and felt compelled to respond and this what i wrote back:

i know its a really old topic but hey just consider me a little new. if anyone reads this i hope for a response. i don't consider my se;f an existentialist by any means in fact i am not sure what to call myself i am just well versed in the art perspective, and this is mine.

faith has nothing to do with a pen falling, or with the laws of physics. the pen will always fall due to the law of physics its not a question of faith. Your imaginaion can tell you the pen will shoot for the moon when you release but the fact still remains it is going no where but down. You can't have faith in a proven undisputable fact. "faith is blind" having faith means you believe in something untangible, something so absurd it makes you question life itself. a pen falling because of gravity unless your new to the whole gravity thing isn't so mind shattering, no one questions it it's explainable to a degree. that degree would be why is there gravity? because of the earths rotation on its axis. what makes the earth rotate? its orbit. whats makes it orbit? the suns gravitational pull. what is the sun? a big ball of gas. where did the gas come from? the galaxy whats the galaxy? where did it come from? thats where the faith part comes in. its unknown exactly who or what made the stars, a supreme deity maybe or simply a big bang. but whatever you believe in takes faith. who knows maybe there is a God or maybe our whole lives are one coincident, b/c the big bang theory seems like in the whole infintie reaches of space it was pure coincidental that earth was formed as the third planet from the sun just in the right spot to be able maintain a livable enviroment, i mean it could be fate that brought it all together at the right time and the right place, but for fate to happen that would mean we are all on a predertermind path* that we can't change and for that to be true it means that a supreme being has control over us all over the whole universe than. which goes back to the whole God thing. Faith is believing in something unproven thats not a sure thing. Therefore faith is without reason.


*we are all in a sense on a predetermined path we are all gonna die someday, but again it takes faith to have a belief in the after life or the next life or whatever happens after death b/c it is an unknown.

NOTE:I am not trying to prove you wrong in any sense, this is not an attack on your beliefs it is just another point of view, hell for all i know mankind may be from an alien race marooned here on the most desolate areas to slowly die out but somehow we learned to survive our enviroment. or maybe much like our own bodies, all the animals and wildlife the plants the ocean everything are the cells that make up mother earth and we are the abnormality in growth the cancer that will slowly deteroate the planet. hey why can't that be possible?

any way opinions are wanted. post mad responses ask mad questions, DON'T EVER STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. once you start taking things with out questions your already dead.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: the shins

I can't stand this anymore.
when you scratch away the layers
there's nothing there and I don't give a fuck
you can't hurt me anymore
chop off my arm there's a hole in my heart
and I don't give a fuck

Everyone I love. Everyone I trust
Whats gonna happen to all of us?

Seems like I've done something wrong
well let the punishment come, hide the sun
I don't give a fuck
scratching my nuts right at God
on second theres no one there
and I don't give a fuck
chop off my arm theres a hole in my heart
and I don't give a fuck

What's this world without pain?
It aint a goddam thing, just a rock floating
through the universe.

The worlds a shitty place and I can't wait to die

Current Mood: peaceful

Wear my badge
a vinyl sticker with big block letters
adhering to my chest
tells your new friends
"I am a visitor here, I am not permanent"

It seems so out of context
in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with a door key
explaining that I'm just visiting
I am finally seeing
That i am the one worth leaving.

Current Mood: indifferent

I don't feel home anymore. i do't feel alive, i don't feel anything.
i am growing content within te walls of my broken down kingdom
is it everyones fault but mine?
or i did this to myself, whatever the case may be i am not complaining, i don't feel happy but i don't feel sad or depressed i just don't feel.